With my very first pregnancy, there were two acquaintances/friends that were due around the same time as I was. We weren’t close friends, but we were all due within about a week of each other, so it stuck out in my mind. When we had our miscarriage, it was painful to see their baby bump pictures & think that I should be at the same place at that time. When their babies were born, I couldn’t bear to see all the beautiful newborn pictures & see their happy new mom moments on social media.
Although I was happy for them, the grief was overwhelming. I would never want them to NOT share or rejoice about their little ones. They had every right to be thrilled & celebrate the life of their little ones with the world. Plus, as I mentioned, I wasn’t close to them, & I doubt either even recognized the connection. In that instance, I had to choose to be cautious of what I allowed myself to see on social media, because I knew it was a sore spot for me.
When I found out I was pregnant for the third time, I cried. You see, my very dearest friend had been trying for quite some time to get pregnant & had recently had her own miscarriage. I already had two beautiful babies, & I had prayed for so long for her to have a beautiful bay of her own. A part of me wished she was pregnant instead. I worried about how I would tell her.
Because we were (& still are) so close, I was able to tell her about my worries. She shared that she appreciated my desire & concern for her. However, she also lovingly said, I “better not dare” to stop sharing with her because of my worry for her concerns. As it happened, she found out she was expecting again before I had Kensie, & has beautiful little ones of her own now.
She & I have talked about this instance, since, & she has shared that one of the things that helped was that I acknowledged her possible pain & shared my news with humility & grace, rather than as a brag or a joke about being “fertile Myrtle” or any other nonsense. I also was careful to not complain excessively about pregnancy or my two toddlers at the time. I would still share updates (usually when she asked unless it was big news), but would never go on & on. Certainly, she & I have a unique & wonderful friendship, one which I am immensely thankful for.
Because of these experiences, I have always sought to be conscientious about what I say & share about pregnancy. I know that not everyone shares their pregnancy losses, or their struggle with infertility. These can be silent wounds women carry, & they can be further injured by flippant comments for those who don’t know.
Unfortunately, we do live in a world where someone could always be offended by what you say or do, but that isn’t really what I’m talking about here. This isn’t about “political correctness,” but rather about having compassion for fellow moms. This is difficult to navigate, particularly when you don’t know who might be struggling.
Ultimately, I would suggest that you always aim to be gracious to others. In this regard, I would encourage a few quick thoughts, especially when you’re talking to someone you know has been trying to conceive or has had a pregnancy loss.
1. Don’t keep the pregnancy a secret from them. Hopefully this is obvious, but don’t try to hide a pregnancy. However, think about how you might share the news in a way that allows them to handle their emotions privately. In this instance, a text or email might be the most appropriate.
2. Let them know you care. When you share your news, also express you love/concern for them. You can ask them how much they want to hear or share that you want to give them the space they need, since they may have strong emotions about your news. Regardless, share your news with love & openness.
3. Don’t ever, EVER offer advice unless they specifically ask. Keep your opinions about, “once I relaxed, it finally happened,” or whatever other well-intentioned input to yourself.
4. Avoid jokes or comments about an unwanted or accidental pregnancy. Similarly, keep comments about how horrible pregnancy is to yourself. For a woman struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss, this is hurtful. Your complaint or “accident” is one of their greatest desires.
5. Listen to & support them. Even if you avoid the topic of your pregnancy, you can still listen to their journey, appointments, & procedures if they want to share.
6. Be considerate about their wishes for spending time together. For some women, seeing your pregnant belly may be more than they can emotionally handle. If they pull away from you for a time, do your best not to push the issue. Know that they still care about your friendship, but that they also must care about their own emotional health.
7. Finally, consider the age-old advice of putting yourself in your friends’ shoes. Even if you have dealt with a similar issue, your feelings & experience is different. However, it is still valuable to consider their emotions & do your best to be sensitive to them.
So, hopefully these things help you if you’re struggling to talk to a friend about your pregnancy news. This list is certainly not all-encompassing, & it is most important to factor in your relationship with them while being thoughtful.
Of course, I want to hear from you. Have you been on either side of this experience? What are other things you would add to this list? Were they well-intentioned comments that were hurtful to you?
As always, love to you all!
Until the next adventure.
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