When I was an undergrad, I had the opportunity to work with a professor on an amazing research study that impacted my career in ways I couldn’t have imagined at the time. One of the opportunities it provided was the chance to travel with her to several conferences across the country. During one such trip, something simple happened, but it profoundly impacted the way that I try to parent today.
While we were out of state, it was suddenly realized that her husband has missed their child’s friend’s birthday party, mistakenly believing it was the following day. To my recollection, her daughter was around eight years old at the time.
If it had been me, I would have been really upset with my husband. Our daughter didn’t get to the birthday party when a special gift had been picked out. Because he didn’t look at the calendar, our daughter experienced unnecessary disappointment. I would also have felt embarrassed that we had RSVP’d for the party, which was at a trampoline park or something along the lines, & then not showed up when the parents likely paid per head.
Obviously, this isn’t how my professor responded, or it would not have been memorable. Instead, she called her husband & asked that he take their daughter & the gift to drop off at the friend’s house. Additionally, while they were there, they could talk with the mom & find out when the birthday child would be free in the next week or two to go on a special outing, just the two of them, with the kids getting to decide where to go.
This plan worked tremendously, as it meant their daughter got to spend one-on-one time with her friend that she wouldn’t have gotten to spend otherwise. Additionally, both kids were thrilled to get to plan a special day together, as the result of the dad’s oversight.
Certainly, this was a simple solution, but it was so meaningful to me to see how she reacted. Never once did she lose her cool, or act like it was really a big deal at all. Instead, she took the perceived problem &, without hesitation, turned it into something better that the original opportunity had been.
So I began to wonder, how can I do this with my kids?
Let me tell you, honestly: my personality is very different than hers. Since that time, we have become colleagues & friends. We work well together because in many ways we are yin & yang. I know I don’t have a chance to have the same NATURAL response that she did.
But I can work to make a new habit & a new pattern of thinking, so that it becomes my new response…
I tend to be a perfectionist by nature, a type 1 if you’re enneagram inclined. There is only one way to be right & if it isn’t right its wrong. I don’t tend to need to argue my point with others, but when something is “wrong” it causes me a great deal of stress & anxiety. I tell you this to say, choosing this new pattern of thinking is HARD WORK.
Like, hard work every. single. day.
But it is also rewarding. Because I see the fruits of it in my children.
This hard work of choosing not to get upset & find a positive instead is becoming a natural instinct in them. Not only does it produce more optimism, but it also creates tiny problem solvers. They are beginning to look at a problem with me & want to work out a solution. As a parent, I know I don’t have to tell you what a benefit it will be to them as they get older.
I have experienced firsthand, that when an obstacle or a disappointment smacks us in the face, we get to choose. We can choose to be disappointed by the loss. If we allow ourselves to stay in that emotion, we can lose sight of the potential opportunities there. If we work to look for ways to fix it, rather than becoming overwhelmed with disappointment or grief, we can come up with some beautiful opportunities.
Now, I think it is important to stop & say, we are allowed to grieve opportunities. Especially during this season of uncertainty in our world. Seniors have lost their final months with their classmates, their senior year playing varsity baseball, prom… Loved ones are unable to have proper funerals for their deceased family members. Young lovebirds are unable to have the wedding they’ve been planning for years. These losses are ok to grieve. There simply isn’t some magic wand that will provide an EVEN BETTER something & it would be completely inappropriate to disregard the emotions of others.
But I’d say it is important to keep perspective. Let the big things be big (because there are a lot of big ones right now), but don’t let the small things also become big. Be frustrated, be disappointed, & move on when it’s appropriate. Allow yourself to see that magic & fun & blessings can rise from the ashes of disappointment, if you are open to looking.
As always, love to you all.
Until the next adventure.
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