I mentioned on Monday that it is important to avoid criticism, & I promised to make a post dedicated to it specifically. That is because I believe this topic is so important that it deserves more focus! Josh & recently did a Podcast series discussing the Love Languages. If you aren’t familiar, one of the five love languages is “Words of Affirmation.” We discuss it here, if you want to listen to it.
I encourage you to check it out, but the most important thing to know is that Josh LOVES affirmation & praise. It’s like the fuel he needs to function. Unfortunately, I am NOT good at providing verbal affirmation.
You see, I identify as a Type 1 on the Enneagram, “The Reformer.”
“Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience.” (source)
You see, as a “reformer” I am constantly looking at ways to improve things. This desire reaches its pinnacle in my home, where I have the strongest level of influence.
The bad news is, for the many people I live with, this means instead of praise, I want to offer suggestions for improvement. The harsh truth is, I wouldn’t want to live with me. I know I can ALWAYS find a way for something to be better.
But I don’t want to be that (seemingly unsatisfiable) person for Josh, or my kids. I NEVER want my kids to have the impression that their efforts won’t measure up.
Thankfully, because affirmation is so, incredibly, important to Josh, I have been practicing it often in our (almost) 10 years of marriage. As a result, I am much more conscientious about how I talk to my kids & the messages they are getting from me.
Now, that said, my prayer is this is less of a struggle for you than it is for me, but this is why I dedicated a whole post to the topic.
I love this excerpt, as I think it perfectly summarizes the problem with criticism:
“No one likes being criticized. Give feedback and reminders instead of criticism. Feedback has an informative and maybe even upbeat tone, as opposed to the judgmental tone of criticism. Remind yourself before speaking that mistakes are for learning.
Stay clear of emphasizing what children did not do or did incorrectly. Instead, appreciate what they have done thus far. Then show them how to do the task better. ‘I see that you took the broom out on your own and started sweeping the kitchen floor without anyone even reminding you. Bravo! Now if you would like I can show you a trick I have for scooping up the piles so nothing's left on the floor. Want to see it?’ ” Now that we’ve established that criticism needs to be avoided, let’s talk about praise instead. As I’ve already explained, I’ve had to practice praise a lot. One of the things I’ve learned is that there is always something to be positive about, if you are looking for it. This has been an ongoing life lesson for larger things, but it’s pretty easy once you’ve learned the skill.
You can praise your child for making an attempt to complete a task. You can praise them for their good attitude. You can praise them for how hard they have been working. If you’re having trouble finding something positive, you can praise them for expressing frustration instead of breaking something or otherwise inappropriately expressing the emotion.
You see, as a parent, you are constantly giving your child feedback & providing instruction. Research suggests that you need 5 positive comments to equal 1 negative one (source). What that tells me is that I cannot overdo praise, because I know I am also providing instruction, feedback, and consequences all day long.
Proverbs has some great things to say about praise too:
I want to shower my kids in these words. I believe that when my kids experience this from me, they are going to experience more joy when participating in housework.
Now, all that said, as a parent, teaching & instruction IS one of our main responsibilities. If you are neglecting to instruct, you are doing a great disservice to your child, in my opinion. We are the primary educator for our children & it is a responsibility that we should never take lightly.
I know there are jokes about millennial parents fighting for their kid to have a turn in everything, or getting angry with teachers who provide feedback instead of showering praise. By no means, am I advocating for this type of parenting behavior. I am very much of the opinion that kids need to have hard lessons & earn the praise or encouragement. I think if you are tough (but fair), your praise will be worth so much more to your children.
Instead, my desire is that we seek a balance in this area, especially as it relates to chores. I know from personal experience the way frustration can escalate quickly with chores. It makes me much less conscientious about the amount of praise I’m providing, so I know it’s an area of weakness for me.
I’m curious is you have found ways to incorporate praise naturally into your chore routine? Or is there another aspect you struggle with more? How do you use constructive criticism without breaking down your child’s self-esteem? & most importantly, what is the most ridiculous/creative praise you’ve had to give when your child is being difficult? You know I love to hear your thoughts!
As always, love to you all!
Until the next adventure.
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